I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
