So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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