Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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