Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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