I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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