Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
