I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
