Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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