you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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