Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
