Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
