sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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