i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
