He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
