I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
