If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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