masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
