The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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