I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
