I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
