Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
