Just cropdusted the office
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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