I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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