I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
