I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
