.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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