Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
