Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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