when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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