getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
