Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
