My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
