He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
