It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
