4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
