Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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