do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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