there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
