Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am midnight drunk by noon
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
