U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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