dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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