i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
