my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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