Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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