You're a womanizer and a bitch.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
