I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
