so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
