the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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