Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
