roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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