ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
