so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
